A guy who needs a job decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before, and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they’ll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla’s skin and pretend to be the gorilla so that people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience, and they just eat it up. "This isn’t so bad," he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest, and roaring and swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage. As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He’s terrified and starts screaming, “Help! Help! Help!” The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, “Shut up, or we’ll both lose our jobs!”
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”
“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my twenty-fifth floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted twenty-five stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”
The angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announced, “Ok, sir. Welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The angel said, “Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”
“No problem,” said the second man. “But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my twenty-sixth floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the twenty-five floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the angel announces. “Welcome to the kingdom of heaven,” and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,” Please tell me how you died.” The third man says, “Ok, picture this. I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....”
A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger. The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say willytop. The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.
He arrives five minutes late, and his teacher isn’t that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
The boy arrives in the principal’s office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was willytop. The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
The boy went home, to find his parents in the living. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.
The boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
The boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says “Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house, and even my hometown because of willytop. What does it mean sir?” The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
The boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask: is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off route 119.”
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am,” said the cop, “I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady.
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am, I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!” instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked Jacob.
“He said the reflector is broken,” replied the lady.
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” wondered Jacob.
“I’m not sure, Jacob...something about the emergency brake,” said the lady.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A Welshman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were being chased by a farmer with a shotgun. After ten minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside. Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went; he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said, “Meow.”
“Just cats,” he thought. He then prodded the second sack.
The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said, “Woof.”
“Just dogs,” he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said, “Potatoes!”
A navy man and an army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the navy man’s truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between army and navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the navy man changed heart and said, “Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let’s put this rivalry behind us.”
The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, “Why don’t we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck.”
The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, “Thanks, but I’ll wait till after the cops get here!”
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
David is in London. He is walking on a street that has a clock tower when someone asks him whether he wants to buy the clock on the tower. David says yes.
“Give me a thousand pounds, and I’ll go get a ladder.” The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours, David figured he was taken for a ride.
On the next day, David is again walking along the same street, and the same man asks him to buy the clock. “Give me a thousand pounds and I’ll go get a ladder.”
David gives him the thousand and says, “I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder.”
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him whether they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married? What with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?”
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“Oh, come on!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
Little Johnny’s father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.
Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father whether he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him, “It’s the boy, my Lord; it’s time to get up.”
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.
He was so excited and nervous, though, that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, “It’s the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!”
A very rich man had a son. He was very proud of his son. The son was smart and diligent and did well in school.
On the son’s 16th birthday, the father went to his son and said “Son, you are the apple of my eye and I’m very proud of you. I am a very rich man and since you have made me so proud I will buy you anything you ask me to buy you for your 16th birthday.”
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 1,000 green golf balls.
The father was taken aback. “But son, that’s such a strange request! Might I remind you that I’m very rich, and I could buy you anything your heart desires?”
But the son was adamant, and his father, though confused, honored his son’s request.
Some years later the son graduated from college at the top of his class. His father, once again beaming with pride, came to his son.
“Son, you are the apple of my eye, and I’m very proud of you. I am a very rich man, and since you have made me so proud, I will buy you anything you ask me to buy you for your college graduation.”
The son, without hesitation, asked his father for 2,000 green golf balls.
The father once again was confused and a bit angry.
“Son, that’s a ridiculous request! I’m offering to buy you anything you want. I’m a very rich man, and almost nothing is beyond my requisition. So please, reconsider, and tell me what you really want.”
But the son was adamant, and his father, though bewildered and frustrated, honored his son’s request.
Years later, the son, following in his father’s footsteps, was a very successful businessman. He’d married a beautiful wife, and borne his father many wonderful grandchildren.
One night as they ate dinner in an expensive restaurant, the father said to the son, “Son, you are the apple of my eye, and I’m very proud of you. I am a very rich man; and since you have made me so proud, I will buy you anything you ask me to buy you in honor of your fantastic success and wonderful family.”
Once again without blinking, his son asked for 3,000 green golf balls.
Enraged, his father slammed his hands on the table and yelled, “Why must you mock my generosity so? Fine, you’ll have your stupid golf balls, but you have lost yourself a father.”
And so the trade was made: the son’s strange request for the alienation of his once-doting father.
Several years later, the father and the son not having spoken once since, the father got a call from a hospital informing him that his son had gotten into a terrible car accident and was dying. Forgetting all about his grudge against his son, the father flew down to his son’s side in a flash. His son was conscious for the first time in days as his father arrived.
“Son, you are the apple of my eye, and I’m very proud of you. I’m very sorry for disowning you! I know I never should have. I’m very sorry for the years we’ve lost! But I must know, son, why did you want all those green golfballs, those wretched orbs that drove us apart? Surely you had a grand design for them. You’re the perfect son, and I could not have asked for anything more in the world than you.”
His son, on death’s door, looked into his eyes and said weakly, “Well, father, I…”
And then he died.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
“Sure...go ahead if you like it.”
“I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
“Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
“OK. I’ll see you later. I love you.”
“Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then, he asks: “Anyone knows whom this phone belongs to?”
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
A male response: (scroll down)
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.” The robber then shot him, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did.”
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